Backseat

Everyday, I climb into the backseat.
Silent, paralyzed by the task ahead.
Trees blurr by as we drive along the winding road.
My thoughts racing, as the car comes to a stop.
How do I speak up? What do I say?
Courage is no where to be found.
My voice is drowned by the fear in my head.
Deeming me unworthy of the topic at hand.
Proving me inadequate of this friendship.
Sinking my self-worth deeper into the darkness.
Pushing it farther and farther down. I try to make a sound.
But nothing comes.
I eat, brushing away tears before they catch a glimpse.
Longing to be like them. Searching for acceptance.
Everyday, I climb into the backseat.
Everyday, I stay silent.
Conflict erodes. Confrontation, inevitable.
They can't understand. Shame starts to consume me.
Explanation is lacking, tears turn into a river leading nowhere
but deeper panic, equating more withdrawal, more silence.
More misunderstanding.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't stop the feeling.
A feeling that my vocal chords were forgotten in the creation of my being.
So I stop climbing into the backseat, my silence only growing louder.
"You didn't talk to us, you never said a word", Little did you know...
Every word choked out knocked the wind out of my chest.
I tried my very best. To be a friend.
To be normal. To be funny. To be liked. To be accepted.
Waves that crashed down on me, silencing my attempts, looming over head.
Never catching a break.
Never was I free. Bound by the chains that so easily entangled my mind.
Crumbled friendships, tethered by distance, by silence, by unanswered phone calls, and texts that never came with a response.
Ripped apart by an overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
No words could be mustered. The damage done, unable to be explained away.
For I myself, was unbeknownst to the snare, which latched itself like a noose around my neck.
There is no blame on any individual,
only one culprit, crouching at the door of societies youth.
Anxiety.

Looking back throughout my teenage years and even younger, I realized so many of my social interactions were hindered by crippling anxiety. I had no idea that I could possibly be suffering with anxiety, which lead me to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me, that I was unworthy of the friendships I had. This poem reflects a specific season in my life where I became increasingly withdrawn. To my friends I seemed stand-off-ish, awkward-to me I was drowning in a paralysis of panic on how to hold a conversation or ask to listen to a particular song.

While anxiety doesn’t effect me as strongly anymore, there are so many young people who are isolated from the outside world due to overwhelming anxiety. It is so important for friends and family to know the signs of anxiety and how to handle the situation.  There is a great article in the NY Times talking about Teens suffering from extreme anxiety.

You can read that article here:

 https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html

Let's keep educating ourselves about mental illness and know how to help and refer a friend in need. And if you or anyone you know is suffering with anxiety, You are not alone. You do not need be ashamed. Reach out to someone you trust, getting a handle on your anxiety starts with opening up to safe people and having a network of friends and family to come alongside you during this journey. It is easy to suffer in silence, but trust me, those who care and love you want to be a part of championing you to overcome whatever fears, panic, or anxiety is crippling you from being who you want to be.