I want to start out by saying thank you, Jesus.  I could not have gotten through the past six months without God by my side.  There have been mountains tops as high as Everest and valleys deep as the Grand Canyon.  Yet, through it all God has been faithful.  He has spoken words of truth over me, surrounded me with loved ones, and comforted me with His peace.  I have learned so much and for that, I am eternally grateful.

There is so much to catch up on, as I have not written an actual update for over three months.  It has been a tough and busy season, to say the least.  During the Shine Seminar in Amsterdam, there was so much going on, and when I got home to the states I was working through a lot of emotions and big decisions.  It has only been in the last few days that I feel I can take a deep breath, breathe, and let my shoulders down.

My fingers have been itching to type and my mind is filled to the brim with stories, revelations, and ideas I wish to share with you.

I can say that after much prayer, wise counsel, and seeking the Lord,  I will be leaving Youth With A Mission in Norway on August 10th.  It was a transition that snuck up on me, but looking back I can see that it was God's plan from the start.

There is not too much to say about why I have come to this conclusion, but what I can say is that God is good, and He is so much more committed to His will for our lives than we are committed to finding it.  I am learning to not speak in definites, but to surrender all to God.  When making plans, I now know that God can change them right up until the day of, and even thereafter. And that's okay, because that is God, and if He changes things, we have to trust it is for the better.

We tend to see change as scary, it is stepping into the unknown and can fill our minds with the haunting questions of "What if?".  I am learning that I can't live by what could happen, and I can't be afraid of regrets.  I tend to run in the opposite direction of failure, and I get nauseous at the thought of making a mistake, but God in His patience is showing me that it is okay.  It is okay to fail, it is okay to change our minds, to make mistakes, to be unsure.  It is part of being a human, that is why God is God and we are not, right?  He is the perfect one after all.  I have to remind myself of that.

God in His goodness see's our hearts.  He knows when our greatest desire is to follow in His will.  "He will not allow your foot to slip."  Every day, He spoke that verse from Psalms 121 into my heart.  Every day, He reminded me that He is for me and not against me.  The same goes for you.

Change is always hard, but it is inevitable.  We can either shy away from change or embrace it.  When God is leading us into a new season, we can trust that it is for our best.  Of course, change is bittersweet, but when we have the peace that comes from our Heavenly Father, we can rest in knowing that He goes before us and prepares the way.

God has shown me that He cares, even about the tiniest details.  He does not want to dream for us, but He wants to dream together with us.  When we take the dreams in our hearts that align with His heart, nothing is impossible, nothing is out of the question.  God doesn't just want to use us, He wants to partner together with us.  He has given us specific gifts, talents, passions, interests, and desires for a purpose.  If you love art, He doesn't want to force you to start up a soccer ministry.  He made you unique for a reason! If He gave you a passion for art or whatever it may be, He is not going to let it go to waste.  God is love, and He is our good, good Father.  He wants what is best for His children, not what is the toughest, or to send us where we will suffer the most.  No matter what our dreams are, and no matter how God fulfills those dreams, there will always be challenges, yes, but God is not a God who withholds Himself or His will.  When we seek first the kingdom of God, when our dreams align with Gods' heart, He will open up the doors and pave the way.

The last few months I have been dreaming big with God, and I see myself light up in a way I haven't in a long time.  I am being renewed with fresh life and ambition for what lies ahead.  I am overflowing with faith and expectation to see how God is going to make the impossible, possible.

I have many dreams in the making, and I look forward to sharing some of them with you soon.  In the meantime, I challenge you,  what dreams do you have and how can you dream together with God?

"For as the sky soars high above the earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think."

-Isaiah 55:8

"You don't own me", A spoken and written word.

"There is nature versus nurture, as we are the latter we must succumb to certain torture.  Being victimized, brutalized, objectified, we can no longer be proud of our bodies.  We have been reduced down to the means of a mans hobby.  We've been told, "I own you".  As a child I have owned a lot of things, but never in my life did I own another human being.  You can't own another person, they aren't yours for the taking.  Yet every day, every hour, every minute - there are women caught up in a trafficking situation. 

The one who seduces then introduces us to prostitution.  Our existence is dependent on substance to numb the pain of the abuses.  Nothing is translucent, life is hazy.  It's not fifty shades of grey, but fifty shades of hell on earth.  Our worth is reduced to scum and to dirt.

We've been segregated, alienated, forced to take the blame, living in shame, apologizing for our existence.  We have nobody to be our witness.  We are crippled by our gender, opportunities in our lives are being hindered by our identity.  Prostitution, rape, assault, pornography - All of these have one common factor, which is me.  They all degrade us women to some degree.  Call it what you will, it is not based on free will.  We are under lock and key.  Don't get me started on all the mind games driven by our insecurity.  

You don't get to pick us out like a prize, standing us all in a line, based on the sparkle in our eyes, or the size of our thighs.  This isn't the lottery.  Our bodies are not a wonderland for you to explore.  We are not a piece of property.  You cannot purchase me.  We are not for sale.  

We are sick of our bodies being spread out on a six pack.  Walking down the street, guys shouting "I'd tap that" or "look at the rack".  They don't even think about our hearts being hacked to little pieces like the slab of meat they make us women out to be. 

Oh do I dream,  I dream of living in a society where change is a reality, where "No" is a complete sentence, and the cries of women are no longer reduced to silence.  And where the cries of women are no longer reduced to silence."

                                                                                                                                                          

It's funny how in ministry we tend to often think that God is calling us to change people's live.  While He does call us to be the hands and feet of Jesus by sharing His love, I am learning more and more that the first person He wants to change is us.  In the midst of longing to conquer the problems of the world, we start to neglect the corruption within ourselves.  If we cannot give from what we have not received, how then can we pour out the love of God to those around us if we do not have it abiding within our very own hearts?

It has only been four days of "Shine" and I have already been brought face to face with the challenge to examine my own heart.  I realized that since my DTS I have started this process of healing, and that now I am at a place where I felt so much shame and insecurity about myself because I wasn't where I thought I should be.  I put myself on a "healing time-table"  saying that the fact that I am still struggling with rejection, fear of failure, and lack of confidence in my self after 2.5 years means that I have failed the assignment and that maybe, just maybe God was close to giving up on me.

Since I can remember I have placed my worth and my value in the friendships of those around me and because of that I have faced so many feelings of hurt and rejection.  While God has taken me into greater steps of freedom, I see that I still have been harboring feelings that the people who define me are people and not God,  No amount of love and affection from friends or relationships has the ability to heal me or to give me a solid foundation in which I can rest fully.  My friends didn't die for me,  Jesus did.  He bought me at the price of shedding His blood.  A value to high for any monetary sum.  

I am priceless and so are you, because there is no value great enough to be put on the blood of Jesus and what He did on the cross.  When I think about what it means to truly receive in my heart the love that God has for me as my heavenly father and to know that my value and my worth is unchangeable, it is liberating.  No longer do I have to feel insecure about measuring up to anyone's standards.  I do not have to fear rejection because the God in heaven will never reject me.  I can be free to be me and know that I am loved with a love so fierce God sent His only son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sin, my shame, my guilt.  

The only person who has power to save and to heal is Jesus Christ.  It is in Him our joy is made complete and our hearts are filled with contentment.  

For so long I let others define me, but it has been long enough.  I've repented for giving people the authority of defining who I am and now I just want to move on.  To lay it down at the cross and receive the love God is extending to me.  

It's not going to be like flipping a switch, or maybe it will be, but I know that God is starting a process of breaking into greater freedom. It will take practice , and at times I may fail, but God never gives up on me. God never gives up on you. His love has no end, and His love has the capability of bringing you to a place where you know who are and you love the way He has created you.

We can not love others with the love of Jesus if we have not first experienced it ourselves, to love is to give and for us to have love to give it must come from an overflow of love we have received from God our father.

I written many times about identity and the love of God, thinking that God wanted to use it to minister to the hearts of others, and while that is true, I also see that He put it on my heart for me, to help me experience greater revelation of His love.  

In order to receive, we must sometimes let go.  

I have written many times about identity and the love of God, thinking that God wanted to use it to minister to the hearts of others, and while that is true, I also see that He put it on my heart for me to read, and to help me experience greater revelation of His love.  

This is only day four.  I can't imagine what more the Lord has in store.  

"We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us.  God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.  By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgement; because as He is, so also are we in this world.  There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.  We love, because He first loved us."  

1 John 4: 15-19