It's funny how in ministry we tend to often think that God is calling us to change people's live.  While He does call us to be the hands and feet of Jesus by sharing His love, I am learning more and more that the first person He wants to change is us.  In the midst of longing to conquer the problems of the world, we start to neglect the corruption within ourselves.  If we cannot give from what we have not received, how then can we pour out the love of God to those around us if we do not have it abiding within our very own hearts?

It has only been four days of "Shine" and I have already been brought face to face with the challenge to examine my own heart.  I realized that since my DTS I have started this process of healing, and that now I am at a place where I felt so much shame and insecurity about myself because I wasn't where I thought I should be.  I put myself on a "healing time-table"  saying that the fact that I am still struggling with rejection, fear of failure, and lack of confidence in my self after 2.5 years means that I have failed the assignment and that maybe, just maybe God was close to giving up on me.

Since I can remember I have placed my worth and my value in the friendships of those around me and because of that I have faced so many feelings of hurt and rejection.  While God has taken me into greater steps of freedom, I see that I still have been harboring feelings that the people who define me are people and not God,  No amount of love and affection from friends or relationships has the ability to heal me or to give me a solid foundation in which I can rest fully.  My friends didn't die for me,  Jesus did.  He bought me at the price of shedding His blood.  A value to high for any monetary sum.  

I am priceless and so are you, because there is no value great enough to be put on the blood of Jesus and what He did on the cross.  When I think about what it means to truly receive in my heart the love that God has for me as my heavenly father and to know that my value and my worth is unchangeable, it is liberating.  No longer do I have to feel insecure about measuring up to anyone's standards.  I do not have to fear rejection because the God in heaven will never reject me.  I can be free to be me and know that I am loved with a love so fierce God sent His only son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sin, my shame, my guilt.  

The only person who has power to save and to heal is Jesus Christ.  It is in Him our joy is made complete and our hearts are filled with contentment.  

For so long I let others define me, but it has been long enough.  I've repented for giving people the authority of defining who I am and now I just want to move on.  To lay it down at the cross and receive the love God is extending to me.  

It's not going to be like flipping a switch, or maybe it will be, but I know that God is starting a process of breaking into greater freedom. It will take practice , and at times I may fail, but God never gives up on me. God never gives up on you. His love has no end, and His love has the capability of bringing you to a place where you know who are and you love the way He has created you.

We can not love others with the love of Jesus if we have not first experienced it ourselves, to love is to give and for us to have love to give it must come from an overflow of love we have received from God our father.

I written many times about identity and the love of God, thinking that God wanted to use it to minister to the hearts of others, and while that is true, I also see that He put it on my heart for me, to help me experience greater revelation of His love.  

In order to receive, we must sometimes let go.  

I have written many times about identity and the love of God, thinking that God wanted to use it to minister to the hearts of others, and while that is true, I also see that He put it on my heart for me to read, and to help me experience greater revelation of His love.  

This is only day four.  I can't imagine what more the Lord has in store.  

"We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us.  God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.  By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgement; because as He is, so also are we in this world.  There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.  We love, because He first loved us."  

1 John 4: 15-19

Hey friends!  I'm sorry I've been away for a few days.  Re-entry back into normal life hit me like a tidal wave.  I was wiped out for about five days,  my whole body just aching with tiredness.  I didn't have energy to do anything,  and all the things I normally love to do suddenly seemed impossibly overwhelming.  I was able to take the time I needed to rest which I am really thankful for.

Finally on Wednesday I started to feel like myself again.  I got to breathe some fresh air and visit some of my friends in town.  We cooked a delicious dinner together, made dessert, and laughed until we cried.  It was the best medicine for my soul and was the first time I didn't feel completely exhausted.  

We had a truly lovely graduation for our DTS and are now in the process of saying our goodbyes.  It is so surreal to not be constantly surrounded by the people whom you just shared life with for the past seven months.  Bittersweet to say the least.  But, like I've said,  I want to be grateful for what has been, enjoying what is,  and excited for what will be! 

Seasons change and this is the start of a new one, for the students and for me!  In just a few hours I will board a plane to Amsterdam where I will spend six weeks studying Human Trafficking and the Christian response.  I have the privilege of taking part of the "Shine" seminar which is put on by Ywam Amsterdam.  It's aim is "to provide resources and practical tools, while mobilising and connecting those who desire to pursue a long term missions calling as an activist or missions worker in communities impacted by the global sex trade." (taken from Ywam Amsterdam website) 

I am really look forward to this next chapter and my hope is that you will continue on this journey with me!  I will try to do short updates as often as possible, to help me process through the day and to share what God is doing.  

Let's wait with expectation and see what tomorrow brings!  Good night dear ones, sweet dreams! 

I am sitting in the Bangkok airport waiting for my 2nd out of four flights back to Norway.  I can't believe I am leaving Cambodia (for now).  It has been an incredible six weeks, full of joy and growth, challenges and experiences I am never to forget.

I am learning more and more to be content with where you are, to live in the here and now and let the future come when it is supposed to.  It is so easy to be caught up in dreaming of what will be that you miss out on what is.

I love Cambodia, and amidst the dirt, constant noise, strange smells, and corruption there is such a beauty that lies deep within the people, the culture, that all of those disenchanting fractions have no place in my heart when it comes to how I feel about Cambodia as a whole.

It was wonderful to be able to build off of the friendships I had made the previous summer and to leave with a feeling that I have more than just acquaintances but that I have friends.

In a way the best goodbyes are the hardest ones.  When you leave with tears in your eyes and a hole in your heart, be grateful, for it means you have impacted and been impacted to an extent where your absence from a place will be noticed by yourself and by others.  So while I was excited for fresh air, new babies to cuddle, and old friends to see, it was a bittersweet farewell.

Though, as I am continuing to learn about what it means to choose to seize each opportunity and live every day as it has the potential to be my best day yet,  I say I am grateful for what has been, I am enjoying what is, & I am excited for what will be. 

"There is an appointed time for everything.  And there is a time for every event under heaven"

Ecclesiastes 3:1