Everyday, I climb into the backseat.
Silent, paralyzed by the task ahead.
Trees blurr by as we drive along the winding road.
My thoughts racing, as the car comes to a stop.
How do I speak up? What do I say?
Courage is no where to be found.
My voice is drowned by the fear in my head.
Deeming me unworthy of the topic at hand.
Proving me inadequate of this friendship.
Sinking my self-worth deeper into the darkness.
Pushing it farther and farther down. I try to make a sound.
But nothing comes.
I eat, brushing away tears before they catch a glimpse.
Longing to be like them. Searching for acceptance.
Everyday, I climb into the backseat.
Everyday, I stay silent.
Conflict erodes. Confrontation, inevitable.
They can't understand. Shame starts to consume me.
Explanation is lacking, tears turn into a river leading nowhere
but deeper panic, equating more withdrawal, more silence.
More misunderstanding.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't stop the feeling.
A feeling that my vocal chords were forgotten in the creation of my being.
So I stop climbing into the backseat, my silence only growing louder.
"You didn't talk to us, you never said a word", Little did you know...
Every word choked out knocked the wind out of my chest.
I tried my very best. To be a friend.
To be normal. To be funny. To be liked. To be accepted.
Waves that crashed down on me, silencing my attempts, looming over head.
Never catching a break.
Never was I free. Bound by the chains that so easily entangled my mind.
Crumbled friendships, tethered by distance, by silence, by unanswered phone calls, and texts that never came with a response.
Ripped apart by an overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
No words could be mustered. The damage done, unable to be explained away.
For I myself, was unbeknownst to the snare, which latched itself like a noose around my neck.
There is no blame on any individual,
only one culprit, crouching at the door of societies youth.
Anxiety.

Looking back throughout my teenage years and even younger, I realized so many of my social interactions were hindered by crippling anxiety. I had no idea that I could possibly be suffering with anxiety, which lead me to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me, that I was unworthy of the friendships I had. This poem reflects a specific season in my life where I became increasingly withdrawn. To my friends I seemed stand-off-ish, awkward-to me I was drowning in a paralysis of panic on how to hold a conversation or ask to listen to a particular song.

While anxiety doesn’t effect me as strongly anymore, there are so many young people who are isolated from the outside world due to overwhelming anxiety. It is so important for friends and family to know the signs of anxiety and how to handle the situation.  There is a great article in the NY Times talking about Teens suffering from extreme anxiety.

You can read that article here:

 https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html

Let's keep educating ourselves about mental illness and know how to help and refer a friend in need. And if you or anyone you know is suffering with anxiety, You are not alone. You do not need be ashamed. Reach out to someone you trust, getting a handle on your anxiety starts with opening up to safe people and having a network of friends and family to come alongside you during this journey. It is easy to suffer in silence, but trust me, those who care and love you want to be a part of championing you to overcome whatever fears, panic, or anxiety is crippling you from being who you want to be.

Based on what has been happening in America and around the world, it seems that there has been this atmosphere of negativity and hate.  I am not pointing fingers, or taking sides, merely trying to express another perspective of how we can handle the chaos of our current world.  Let's be people known by what we are for rather than what we are against.  #lovewins

"We want to have our cake and eat it too. Sharing only with others who have the same point of view.  We hate on those we say hate on us.  One mistake and a whole race has lost our trust. So we swear and we scream, we aren't trying to be mean.  You see, it's all in the name of freedom, marching to our own drum, paving the way to the ideal "Magic Kingdom".

No one has solved any problems through hate, guilt, and shame.  Success won't be the result rather continuous waves of pain.  Peace on earth isn't forged from what we are against.  If hate is our goal then these riots would make sense.  But the message we are sending rings pretty loud and crystal clear. We want our voices to be heard, our opinions validated- though we have lost our message in the ways that we've retaliated.

Our nation has become like a high school cafeteria, Cliques corned off, no vacancy unless you meet the criteria. We've got a wall built so high without a door to welcome people through. No longer are we a melting pot, just one giant batch of similarity stew.  We've forgotten to celebrate diversity, is it such a monstrosity to extend love to somebody different than you?  We all have hearts bumping blood with the same reddish hue.

It is easier to hate, to spew poison at a person though we've not walked in their shoes.  If it doesn't affect us, we tend to not give a damn, but the moment someone steps over our line all hell is about to bust. Love on the other hand, is what we need to fight for,.  If we keep our guns up the fire will be fueled more.  There won't be lasting change if we won't come together.  Doing things on our own will not work out for the better.

We were built for relationships, not meant to stand alone. It's time to dig up the seed of hate that has been so deeply sown. If we can't agree on anything, let us agree on Love for from it all hope, freedom, and equality does flow."

From the words of my current favorite group "The Brilliance" 

When a bullets flies

And a child dies

Can we overcome?

When all we see is inequality

Can we overcome?

Love shall overcome

We refuse to be

Each others enemy

We can overcome

When we listen to

Others point of view

We can overcome

Love shall overcome

Open our hearts

Love can start

To heal the pain

Love shall overcome

Vulnerability is hard. Someone once explained vulnerability as the feeling when you stand in front of a crowd of people and take off all of your clothes.  Your exposed.  They can only see your true self.  There is no mask, no where to hide, nothing can be covered. Everything is out in the open. Often times overwhelming fear of rejection clings to vulnerability like a fish to water. A downward spiral of "what ifs" can so easily consume you, debilitate you, turning you so inward to yourself that your mind becomes a prison instead of the gift God created it to be.  

I refuse. I refuse to give in to the idea that vulnerability is weakness, that failure is for only "certain" types of "people", and crying is designated for the meek. I believe that openness is the key to relationships and that vulnerability can solve more problems and bring you closer together.  Telling the truth evokes fear. One fear that cycles through my mind is the fear that once I lay down my mask, assert myself, and am the true me, I will be rejected.  I am starting to see though, how beautiful vulnerability is, how it bonds people like nothing else can, and how it free's us like nothing else will. Honesty brings new life, it extends our hearts to those around us- whose stories we hear and insecurities we never saw lurking behind the life we so easily envied. 

The feeling to know you are loved for exactly who you are is what we all want in life.  It starts with being vulnerable.  

I haven't written in 10 months. It would be easy to say that these past months have been a "challenge" and that God has been faithful and now I am coming through the rough season and the future looks brighter.  It would be a post wrapped neatly with a bow, but it wouldn't be real.  Vagueness doesn't equate to vulnerability.  

I haven't been writing because I have been living with my parents, going to a counselor on a weekly basis, and overcoming crippling anxiety and post traumatic stress.  I was afraid of everything and everyone.  I couldn't go to the grocery store alone and I felt debilitated at the thought of asking the store clerk where something was.  I didn't go to church, I couldn't even go to the gym.  Any interaction with people was overwhelming.  I felt like a total failure. I went to England to serve the Lord and came home before I was even half way through.  I cried everyday, I had nightmares, and had this fear that I was a terrible person.  Every insecurity was magnified, staring me in the face as I stared at my reflection in the mirror.  

I have had to find myself again, to learn everyday who God has created me to be and to celebrate that.  I have allowed God's love to run deep in my soul, showing me time and time again that His love for me is not based on what I do or don't do.  I am learning to assert myself and set boundaries, to voice my opinion in the smallest things, like which restaurant to eat at. I completely lost my voice, who I was became swallowed up by paralyzing fear.  Slowly, yet faithfully God has been healing my heart.  He has been restoring the broken pieces and solidifying my identity in Christ.  He is opening doors and providing opportunities to break through the walls my anxiety has built around me. I'm not there yet, while I feel so much better than I did three months ago, I still have so much to learn, so much fear to conquer.  My life is not neat, it is not pure bliss nor will it ever be.  I am human and this is life. I am trying to learn from the pain, and seek God wholeheartedly.  Even my walk with the Lord has not been easy. There were days when I couldn't pray, couldn't read my bible. Times where I would question God, raise my voice, and feel so much anger.  

We tend to portray a level of confidence thin enough to feel the pain but wide enough to mask the depth of our insecurities.  On social media, we share the highlights of our lives but fail to connect face to face when it truly matters.  Being open with ourselves, God, and others is the only way we can move forward and find healing.  The more we bury our emotions, hurts, and fear the greater erosion they will cause in our lives.  Trust me, I tried that, telling myself I was fine, I was a women of strength, an overcomer, jumping back into ministry (with a high level of demand at that) to come to the realization I indeed was not at all fine but on my way to a complete burn out. 

Sharing your feelings, breaking down in tears, taking a step back, is not weakness and saying everything is alright, pushing yourself to the brink of exhaustion, keeping "face", is not strength either. A wise woman once told me, "sometimes perseverance is taking a step back in order to take care of yourself so that you can then persevere for the long term." Likewise, sometimes strength is having the courage to be honest with yourself and your loved ones, saying this is what I am dealing with, these are my fears, this is what I am insecure about.  We can only help each other to the extent that we know what the other person needs, we only know their needs if we know what got them there in the first place. 

I will conclude with saying that you are wonderful and that I want to know the real you, checked baggage and all.  When I ask how you are, I mean it-I want to hear your story, I want to know how I can pray for you, how I can be there for you.  

Love is so much sweeter when you are loved for your authentic self, and you are worth loving.  You are worth being known for who you are.  The depth of a relationship is only as deep as our hearts are open.  Trust me on this one, it's worth it to be vulnerable and to connect, to conquer the fear with genuine love for ourselves and others. 

I want to start out by saying thank you, Jesus.  I could not have gotten through the past six months without God by my side.  There have been mountains tops as high as Everest and valleys deep as the Grand Canyon.  Yet, through it all God has been faithful.  He has spoken words of truth over me, surrounded me with loved ones, and comforted me with His peace.  I have learned so much and for that, I am eternally grateful.

There is so much to catch up on, as I have not written an actual update for over three months.  It has been a tough and busy season, to say the least.  During the Shine Seminar in Amsterdam, there was so much going on, and when I got home to the states I was working through a lot of emotions and big decisions.  It has only been in the last few days that I feel I can take a deep breath, breathe, and let my shoulders down.

My fingers have been itching to type and my mind is filled to the brim with stories, revelations, and ideas I wish to share with you.

I can say that after much prayer, wise counsel, and seeking the Lord,  I will be leaving Youth With A Mission in Norway on August 10th.  It was a transition that snuck up on me, but looking back I can see that it was God's plan from the start.

There is not too much to say about why I have come to this conclusion, but what I can say is that God is good, and He is so much more committed to His will for our lives than we are committed to finding it.  I am learning to not speak in definites, but to surrender all to God.  When making plans, I now know that God can change them right up until the day of, and even thereafter. And that's okay, because that is God, and if He changes things, we have to trust it is for the better.

We tend to see change as scary, it is stepping into the unknown and can fill our minds with the haunting questions of "What if?".  I am learning that I can't live by what could happen, and I can't be afraid of regrets.  I tend to run in the opposite direction of failure, and I get nauseous at the thought of making a mistake, but God in His patience is showing me that it is okay.  It is okay to fail, it is okay to change our minds, to make mistakes, to be unsure.  It is part of being a human, that is why God is God and we are not, right?  He is the perfect one after all.  I have to remind myself of that.

God in His goodness see's our hearts.  He knows when our greatest desire is to follow in His will.  "He will not allow your foot to slip."  Every day, He spoke that verse from Psalms 121 into my heart.  Every day, He reminded me that He is for me and not against me.  The same goes for you.

Change is always hard, but it is inevitable.  We can either shy away from change or embrace it.  When God is leading us into a new season, we can trust that it is for our best.  Of course, change is bittersweet, but when we have the peace that comes from our Heavenly Father, we can rest in knowing that He goes before us and prepares the way.

God has shown me that He cares, even about the tiniest details.  He does not want to dream for us, but He wants to dream together with us.  When we take the dreams in our hearts that align with His heart, nothing is impossible, nothing is out of the question.  God doesn't just want to use us, He wants to partner together with us.  He has given us specific gifts, talents, passions, interests, and desires for a purpose.  If you love art, He doesn't want to force you to start up a soccer ministry.  He made you unique for a reason! If He gave you a passion for art or whatever it may be, He is not going to let it go to waste.  God is love, and He is our good, good Father.  He wants what is best for His children, not what is the toughest, or to send us where we will suffer the most.  No matter what our dreams are, and no matter how God fulfills those dreams, there will always be challenges, yes, but God is not a God who withholds Himself or His will.  When we seek first the kingdom of God, when our dreams align with Gods' heart, He will open up the doors and pave the way.

The last few months I have been dreaming big with God, and I see myself light up in a way I haven't in a long time.  I am being renewed with fresh life and ambition for what lies ahead.  I am overflowing with faith and expectation to see how God is going to make the impossible, possible.

I have many dreams in the making, and I look forward to sharing some of them with you soon.  In the meantime, I challenge you,  what dreams do you have and how can you dream together with God?

"For as the sky soars high above the earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think."

-Isaiah 55:8

"You don't own me", A spoken and written word.

"There is nature versus nurture, as we are the latter we must succumb to certain torture.  Being victimized, brutalized, objectified, we can no longer be proud of our bodies.  We have been reduced down to the means of a mans hobby.  We've been told, "I own you".  As a child I have owned a lot of things, but never in my life did I own another human being.  You can't own another person, they aren't yours for the taking.  Yet every day, every hour, every minute - there are women caught up in a trafficking situation. 

The one who seduces then introduces us to prostitution.  Our existence is dependent on substance to numb the pain of the abuses.  Nothing is translucent, life is hazy.  It's not fifty shades of grey, but fifty shades of hell on earth.  Our worth is reduced to scum and to dirt.

We've been segregated, alienated, forced to take the blame, living in shame, apologizing for our existence.  We have nobody to be our witness.  We are crippled by our gender, opportunities in our lives are being hindered by our identity.  Prostitution, rape, assault, pornography - All of these have one common factor, which is me.  They all degrade us women to some degree.  Call it what you will, it is not based on free will.  We are under lock and key.  Don't get me started on all the mind games driven by our insecurity.  

You don't get to pick us out like a prize, standing us all in a line, based on the sparkle in our eyes, or the size of our thighs.  This isn't the lottery.  Our bodies are not a wonderland for you to explore.  We are not a piece of property.  You cannot purchase me.  We are not for sale.  

We are sick of our bodies being spread out on a six pack.  Walking down the street, guys shouting "I'd tap that" or "look at the rack".  They don't even think about our hearts being hacked to little pieces like the slab of meat they make us women out to be. 

Oh do I dream,  I dream of living in a society where change is a reality, where "No" is a complete sentence, and the cries of women are no longer reduced to silence.  And where the cries of women are no longer reduced to silence."

                                                                                                                                                          

It's funny how in ministry we tend to often think that God is calling us to change people's live.  While He does call us to be the hands and feet of Jesus by sharing His love, I am learning more and more that the first person He wants to change is us.  In the midst of longing to conquer the problems of the world, we start to neglect the corruption within ourselves.  If we cannot give from what we have not received, how then can we pour out the love of God to those around us if we do not have it abiding within our very own hearts?

It has only been four days of "Shine" and I have already been brought face to face with the challenge to examine my own heart.  I realized that since my DTS I have started this process of healing, and that now I am at a place where I felt so much shame and insecurity about myself because I wasn't where I thought I should be.  I put myself on a "healing time-table"  saying that the fact that I am still struggling with rejection, fear of failure, and lack of confidence in my self after 2.5 years means that I have failed the assignment and that maybe, just maybe God was close to giving up on me.

Since I can remember I have placed my worth and my value in the friendships of those around me and because of that I have faced so many feelings of hurt and rejection.  While God has taken me into greater steps of freedom, I see that I still have been harboring feelings that the people who define me are people and not God,  No amount of love and affection from friends or relationships has the ability to heal me or to give me a solid foundation in which I can rest fully.  My friends didn't die for me,  Jesus did.  He bought me at the price of shedding His blood.  A value to high for any monetary sum.  

I am priceless and so are you, because there is no value great enough to be put on the blood of Jesus and what He did on the cross.  When I think about what it means to truly receive in my heart the love that God has for me as my heavenly father and to know that my value and my worth is unchangeable, it is liberating.  No longer do I have to feel insecure about measuring up to anyone's standards.  I do not have to fear rejection because the God in heaven will never reject me.  I can be free to be me and know that I am loved with a love so fierce God sent His only son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sin, my shame, my guilt.  

The only person who has power to save and to heal is Jesus Christ.  It is in Him our joy is made complete and our hearts are filled with contentment.  

For so long I let others define me, but it has been long enough.  I've repented for giving people the authority of defining who I am and now I just want to move on.  To lay it down at the cross and receive the love God is extending to me.  

It's not going to be like flipping a switch, or maybe it will be, but I know that God is starting a process of breaking into greater freedom. It will take practice , and at times I may fail, but God never gives up on me. God never gives up on you. His love has no end, and His love has the capability of bringing you to a place where you know who are and you love the way He has created you.

We can not love others with the love of Jesus if we have not first experienced it ourselves, to love is to give and for us to have love to give it must come from an overflow of love we have received from God our father.

I written many times about identity and the love of God, thinking that God wanted to use it to minister to the hearts of others, and while that is true, I also see that He put it on my heart for me, to help me experience greater revelation of His love.  

In order to receive, we must sometimes let go.  

I have written many times about identity and the love of God, thinking that God wanted to use it to minister to the hearts of others, and while that is true, I also see that He put it on my heart for me to read, and to help me experience greater revelation of His love.  

This is only day four.  I can't imagine what more the Lord has in store.  

"We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us.  God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.  By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgement; because as He is, so also are we in this world.  There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.  We love, because He first loved us."  

1 John 4: 15-19