Everyday, I climb into the backseat.
Silent, paralyzed by the task ahead.
Trees blurr by as we drive along the winding road.
My thoughts racing, as the car comes to a stop.
How do I speak up? What do I say?
Courage is no where to be found.
My voice is drowned by the fear in my head.
Deeming me unworthy of the topic at hand.
Proving me inadequate of this friendship.
Sinking my self-worth deeper into the darkness.
Pushing it farther and farther down. I try to make a sound.
But nothing comes.
I eat, brushing away tears before they catch a glimpse.
Longing to be like them. Searching for acceptance.
Everyday, I climb into the backseat.
Everyday, I stay silent.
Conflict erodes. Confrontation, inevitable.
They can't understand. Shame starts to consume me.
Explanation is lacking, tears turn into a river leading nowhere
but deeper panic, equating more withdrawal, more silence.
More misunderstanding.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't stop the feeling.
A feeling that my vocal chords were forgotten in the creation of my being.
So I stop climbing into the backseat, my silence only growing louder.
"You didn't talk to us, you never said a word", Little did you know...
Every word choked out knocked the wind out of my chest.
I tried my very best. To be a friend.
To be normal. To be funny. To be liked. To be accepted.
Waves that crashed down on me, silencing my attempts, looming over head.
Never catching a break.
Never was I free. Bound by the chains that so easily entangled my mind.
Crumbled friendships, tethered by distance, by silence, by unanswered phone calls, and texts that never came with a response.
Ripped apart by an overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
No words could be mustered. The damage done, unable to be explained away.
For I myself, was unbeknownst to the snare, which latched itself like a noose around my neck.
There is no blame on any individual,
only one culprit, crouching at the door of societies youth.
Anxiety.

Looking back throughout my teenage years and even younger, I realized so many of my social interactions were hindered by crippling anxiety. I had no idea that I could possibly be suffering with anxiety, which lead me to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me, that I was unworthy of the friendships I had. This poem reflects a specific season in my life where I became increasingly withdrawn. To my friends I seemed stand-off-ish, awkward-to me I was drowning in a paralysis of panic on how to hold a conversation or ask to listen to a particular song.

While anxiety doesn’t effect me as strongly anymore, there are so many young people who are isolated from the outside world due to overwhelming anxiety. It is so important for friends and family to know the signs of anxiety and how to handle the situation.  There is a great article in the NY Times talking about Teens suffering from extreme anxiety.

You can read that article here:

 https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html

Let's keep educating ourselves about mental illness and know how to help and refer a friend in need. And if you or anyone you know is suffering with anxiety, You are not alone. You do not need be ashamed. Reach out to someone you trust, getting a handle on your anxiety starts with opening up to safe people and having a network of friends and family to come alongside you during this journey. It is easy to suffer in silence, but trust me, those who care and love you want to be a part of championing you to overcome whatever fears, panic, or anxiety is crippling you from being who you want to be.

Based on what has been happening in America and around the world, it seems that there has been this atmosphere of negativity and hate.  I am not pointing fingers, or taking sides, merely trying to express another perspective of how we can handle the chaos of our current world.  Let's be people known by what we are for rather than what we are against.  #lovewins

"We want to have our cake and eat it too. Sharing only with others who have the same point of view.  We hate on those we say hate on us.  One mistake and a whole race has lost our trust. So we swear and we scream, we aren't trying to be mean.  You see, it's all in the name of freedom, marching to our own drum, paving the way to the ideal "Magic Kingdom".

No one has solved any problems through hate, guilt, and shame.  Success won't be the result rather continuous waves of pain.  Peace on earth isn't forged from what we are against.  If hate is our goal then these riots would make sense.  But the message we are sending rings pretty loud and crystal clear. We want our voices to be heard, our opinions validated- though we have lost our message in the ways that we've retaliated.

Our nation has become like a high school cafeteria, Cliques corned off, no vacancy unless you meet the criteria. We've got a wall built so high without a door to welcome people through. No longer are we a melting pot, just one giant batch of similarity stew.  We've forgotten to celebrate diversity, is it such a monstrosity to extend love to somebody different than you?  We all have hearts bumping blood with the same reddish hue.

It is easier to hate, to spew poison at a person though we've not walked in their shoes.  If it doesn't affect us, we tend to not give a damn, but the moment someone steps over our line all hell is about to bust. Love on the other hand, is what we need to fight for,.  If we keep our guns up the fire will be fueled more.  There won't be lasting change if we won't come together.  Doing things on our own will not work out for the better.

We were built for relationships, not meant to stand alone. It's time to dig up the seed of hate that has been so deeply sown. If we can't agree on anything, let us agree on Love for from it all hope, freedom, and equality does flow."

From the words of my current favorite group "The Brilliance" 

When a bullets flies

And a child dies

Can we overcome?

When all we see is inequality

Can we overcome?

Love shall overcome

We refuse to be

Each others enemy

We can overcome

When we listen to

Others point of view

We can overcome

Love shall overcome

Open our hearts

Love can start

To heal the pain

Love shall overcome

Vulnerability is hard. Someone once explained vulnerability as the feeling when you stand in front of a crowd of people and take off all of your clothes.  Your exposed.  They can only see your true self.  There is no mask, no where to hide, nothing can be covered. Everything is out in the open. Often times overwhelming fear of rejection clings to vulnerability like a fish to water. A downward spiral of "what ifs" can so easily consume you, debilitate you, turning you so inward to yourself that your mind becomes a prison instead of the gift God created it to be.  

I refuse. I refuse to give in to the idea that vulnerability is weakness, that failure is for only "certain" types of "people", and crying is designated for the meek. I believe that openness is the key to relationships and that vulnerability can solve more problems and bring you closer together.  Telling the truth evokes fear. One fear that cycles through my mind is the fear that once I lay down my mask, assert myself, and am the true me, I will be rejected.  I am starting to see though, how beautiful vulnerability is, how it bonds people like nothing else can, and how it free's us like nothing else will. Honesty brings new life, it extends our hearts to those around us- whose stories we hear and insecurities we never saw lurking behind the life we so easily envied. 

The feeling to know you are loved for exactly who you are is what we all want in life.  It starts with being vulnerable.  

I haven't written in 10 months. It would be easy to say that these past months have been a "challenge" and that God has been faithful and now I am coming through the rough season and the future looks brighter.  It would be a post wrapped neatly with a bow, but it wouldn't be real.  Vagueness doesn't equate to vulnerability.  

I haven't been writing because I have been living with my parents, going to a counselor on a weekly basis, and overcoming crippling anxiety and post traumatic stress.  I was afraid of everything and everyone.  I couldn't go to the grocery store alone and I felt debilitated at the thought of asking the store clerk where something was.  I didn't go to church, I couldn't even go to the gym.  Any interaction with people was overwhelming.  I felt like a total failure. I went to England to serve the Lord and came home before I was even half way through.  I cried everyday, I had nightmares, and had this fear that I was a terrible person.  Every insecurity was magnified, staring me in the face as I stared at my reflection in the mirror.  

I have had to find myself again, to learn everyday who God has created me to be and to celebrate that.  I have allowed God's love to run deep in my soul, showing me time and time again that His love for me is not based on what I do or don't do.  I am learning to assert myself and set boundaries, to voice my opinion in the smallest things, like which restaurant to eat at. I completely lost my voice, who I was became swallowed up by paralyzing fear.  Slowly, yet faithfully God has been healing my heart.  He has been restoring the broken pieces and solidifying my identity in Christ.  He is opening doors and providing opportunities to break through the walls my anxiety has built around me. I'm not there yet, while I feel so much better than I did three months ago, I still have so much to learn, so much fear to conquer.  My life is not neat, it is not pure bliss nor will it ever be.  I am human and this is life. I am trying to learn from the pain, and seek God wholeheartedly.  Even my walk with the Lord has not been easy. There were days when I couldn't pray, couldn't read my bible. Times where I would question God, raise my voice, and feel so much anger.  

We tend to portray a level of confidence thin enough to feel the pain but wide enough to mask the depth of our insecurities.  On social media, we share the highlights of our lives but fail to connect face to face when it truly matters.  Being open with ourselves, God, and others is the only way we can move forward and find healing.  The more we bury our emotions, hurts, and fear the greater erosion they will cause in our lives.  Trust me, I tried that, telling myself I was fine, I was a women of strength, an overcomer, jumping back into ministry (with a high level of demand at that) to come to the realization I indeed was not at all fine but on my way to a complete burn out. 

Sharing your feelings, breaking down in tears, taking a step back, is not weakness and saying everything is alright, pushing yourself to the brink of exhaustion, keeping "face", is not strength either. A wise woman once told me, "sometimes perseverance is taking a step back in order to take care of yourself so that you can then persevere for the long term." Likewise, sometimes strength is having the courage to be honest with yourself and your loved ones, saying this is what I am dealing with, these are my fears, this is what I am insecure about.  We can only help each other to the extent that we know what the other person needs, we only know their needs if we know what got them there in the first place. 

I will conclude with saying that you are wonderful and that I want to know the real you, checked baggage and all.  When I ask how you are, I mean it-I want to hear your story, I want to know how I can pray for you, how I can be there for you.  

Love is so much sweeter when you are loved for your authentic self, and you are worth loving.  You are worth being known for who you are.  The depth of a relationship is only as deep as our hearts are open.  Trust me on this one, it's worth it to be vulnerable and to connect, to conquer the fear with genuine love for ourselves and others.